My Trump Card

A Fool In NH Column Heading

All the excitement over the upcoming presidential race has really gotten me to thinking.

Next year I will most likely be involved again in my own campaign for governor of New Hampshire running under the Flatlander Ticket.

To those of you who have ever run for political office over and over again (and you know who you are) you understand how hard it is to come up with new ways every election cycle to campaign and make the same old hot air sound like brand new hot air.

That is why I have been studying all of the folks who are running for president this year. Yes, there are many of them who are using the tried and true method of avoiding answering questions and just getting to their standard talking points (Boring Hillary!) But this year there is one candidate who, since he doesn’t go by the political campaigning rule book, has found a lot of new ways of spouting hot air without most people realizing that that is what he is doing.

It seems to be working well and this candidate is doing quite well in the polls. Whether or not this new way of campaigning will increase his poll numbers as time goes on or eventually comes back to bite him when people start to realize he really isn’t saying much, is left to be seen. People, being sick and tired of politics and politicians as usual and hungry for a more entertaining process all around, may just keep hanging in there in the belief that this will really be something different for once.

I, for one, am paying close attention. If this new way of campaigning works, I may just have to use it myself in my next run for governor. I have been running for sixteen years now without much luck. I have tried everything, even being completely honest and telling people I only wanted the job for the money (100,000 a year for two years is pretty sweet). None of it has ever worked.

So, if this candidate continues to pack ‘em in and gathers more and more support using his unconventional methods of telling people a whole lot of entertaining nothing, then maybe I will try the same thing come next year.

I’ve already been practicing my delivery without taking it on the road, just to see if I can do it. I must admit it is kind of fun to just say anything that pops into your head without a filter.

The other day I was in the store, bought a small item and was told by the cashier “That will be two dollars and fifty cents.”

I thought this the perfect opportunity to practice.

“Are you telling me this because you think I don’t know? I know how much it is. In fact, it was my consumer buying habits that helped establish this price and I’ve got more than enough to pay for it. In fact, I have twenty dollars. I can buy that five times over and still have enough for a soda. Two sodas if I want. I have more twenty dollar bills at home. I love twenty dollar bills.”

The cashier looked at me strangely, but I must admit it felt good. I think I can do this.

If, for instance, next year a reporter asks me if I am going to campaign at the Sandwich Fair I will say something like:

“What? Are you kidding me? Of course I am. The people in Sandwich love me. Whenever I go there they all come out to see me. There’s always a lot of people there because I’m there. They are great people, the Sandwich people. I love them and their sandwiches and they love me as well.”

When asked about particular and pressing issues facing our state today like the budget, crime and other things, I won’t have to take the tedious way of trying to explain, like most politicians, an actual solution that probably won’t happen, I can just say: “We’ll change that. I’ve got ideas right here (pointing to head) that you’ll love. They will be the best ideas ever and I will think them up myself and they will be great. It’s easy and you’ll love them and you’ll love me even more for thinking of them. I might be the best ideas governor of New Hampshire God ever created” and leave it at that to thunderous cheers.

I might even suggest, just for fun, that the New Hampshire welcome signs take off “Live Free or Die” and replace it with “You’ll Love Our Governor. He’s Awesome.”

If this method of campaigning proves to be successful, nothing will be more fun than calling my opponents “idiots” and “losers” and have people laugh and cheer. What a fun time that would be.

I am anxious to see if this new method of saying little in entertaining and unfiltered ways will really work in getting someone elected. If it does, I’m ready to hit the ground blathering and I promise you’ll like me, you’ll really like me.

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