Cashing In

A Fool In NH Column Heading

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, which would be understandable considering the logistics involved, you most likely realize that this is primary campaign season here in New Hampshire.

It is the season when aspiring presidential candidates descend upon our towns and cities to bother us while we are trying to eat a quiet breakfast at a local diner, among other things.

New Hampshire is very important to them until February 10th which is when they will get out of town never to be seen again until one of them, the nominee, comes back to bother us during breakfast again next summer.The First In The Nation primary is a big deal here in the Granite State.

Candidates will do anything and go anywhere in New Hampshire if it means votes. They will even try to influence people who live under rocks, even though their biggest concern is where to put the couch and getting the cable hooked up, not who is running for president.

It is also a big economic boon for some businesses, when the primary season is in full swing. Hotels and restaurants do well as do meeting places that the candidates rent out to hold town hall style meetings where they speak to people who are holding big signs with their names on them.

Local television and radio stations also benefit greatly from the campaign season by selling ad time to the candidates. (It is confusing to tell the political ads from the ones for the newest drug, since both are always on and both promise a better tomorrow, but you can distinguish between the two by noting that the political ad doesn’t tell you about the possible side effects. You usually find out about them when it is way too late.)

Still, there are many opportunities being missed by other folks in the state to benefit from this season that is guaranteed to be profitable no matter what the weather.

There is still time to cash in for some of you, but you need to strike while the iron is hot, or at least on the delicate fabric setting, especially with those candidates who are quickly running out of funds but whose ego will not let them drop out of the race even though they have about as much chance of being the nominee as of the Patriots trading Tom Brady for a sixth round draft pick.

They won’t all be around for long, but all still have a few dollars left to throw away, so why not make sure they throw it away in New Hampshire and on you?

Personally I’m planning on putting together my own political tour bus stealing from a classic New Hampshire idiom with my “They Can’t Get There From Here…Or Anywhere” tour.

For a fee, I will take curious passengers on trips around New Hampshire to find some of the more obscure candidates like George Pataki, Bobby Jindal, Mike O’Malley and the once popular, but now political oddity, Rick Santorum. I will also get the campaigns themselves to pay me for each passenger I deliver to their candidate under the false pretense that they are just there to gawk when it is really a setup to listen to a thirty-minute, last gasp attempt to get their vote. (A box lunch will also be served and we will have an extra one for the candidate after his speech – cash in advance.)

I have a few other plans in the works right now as well. I may be renting out the guest bedroom to Jim Gilmore for a couple of nights once I can convince my wife that he really is a candidate for president. On the other hand, we are both disappointed that Lincoln Chaffee dropped out of the race as he had previously booked the room and it has put to rest our plans for promoting a “Spend The Night In The Lincoln Bedroom” to future, going nowhere, campaigns who were looking for a little prestige. (Lesson learned: Always make sure you get a deposit.)

All this should keep me busy for a few more weeks anyway. Time will soon run out as some of these candidates finally figure out that they don’t have a chance, but I plan to be there while they are still riding in the slipstream of ridiculousness.

I hope I have inspired you as well to come up with some ideas of your own on how to cash in on the campaign season.

Even if you don’t get onboard this time, don’t despair. In 2017, the next group will be showing up….sigh!!

Brendan is the author of “The Flatlander Chronicles” and “Best Of A F.O.O.L. In New Hampshire” which are available at