Better Uses

A Fool In NH Column Heading

I arrived home from work the other day and noticed that something just didn’t seem right. My mailbox, an old rectangular metal box with a hinged top lid, seemed in distress.
Designed originally to handle your common everyday envelope and even the occasional folded magazine or catalogue, my mailbox now had an abnormally large postcard protruding from its opening where it had been stuffed. As I approached the mailbox carefully, I did notice that the giant postcard contained the picture of a giant yet familiar eyeball.
It was rather terrifying. What sort of sick, cruel prank was this? As I got closer the giant eyeball began to look more familiar.
I cautiously grabbed the giant postcard and started to pull it from the box. I noticed there was another abnormally large postcard with a familiar eyeball behind it and behind that a couple of smaller, yet larger than normal postcards and some actual letters.
I struggled for a bit to get the entire mess out of the mailbox and after a minute or two, I succeeded.
I was amazed that the giant postcards had even fit into the mailbox; I applaud my mailman for a job well done. They were big enough to use as sun shield for the front window of my SUV.
I carried it all into the house and dropped it onto the kitchen counter as they were becoming heavy in my hands. One of the large postcards fell to the floor in a loud crash, barely missing my cat, who ran for cover in fear as the familiar eyeball now took the shape of the giant monstrous head which I now clearly recognized.
Yes, it was the face of one of the many candidates for president. The postcard, bigger than the candidate’s actual head, stared up at me from the floor as chills ran through my spine.
Within the rest of the mail on the counter were the smaller postcards with slightly smaller faces of other candidates, These I had seen before and had been familiar with over the years. Though I had never bothered to read them, I never threw them out. I had found them very useful in the past to be used as drink coasters, flash cards and even insulation.
Now there were these new giant postcards with candidates faces on them. Bigger and more obnoxious than any man or woman living could have ever imagined.
My first thought was to be rid of the beast, to tear it into tiny pieces and place it in the garbage, but I could see that might take hours.
After a deep breath, I sat down to think rationally about how to deal with this new menaces which would be invading my mailbox in the coming weeks. There was nothing I could do to stop them. After all, I was a registered member of a political party so I must accept the consequences.
After a few minutes, I came to realize that I was once afraid of the smaller postcards as well when I had first found them in my mailbox, but, as mentioned earlier, I eventually found a good use for them and so, I could find a good use for these as well.
I soon realized these giant postcards could be used as placemats for dinner; up to six full courses could be served at once (as well as wine for each course). They would also make great bathroom mats for when you are trying to keep the good ones clean as company is arriving tomorrow. If one of the candidates on a giant postcard is elected president in November then I already have my Halloween mask for 2017. Four or five of these giant postcards taped together will make a great room divider. Maybe one could be attached to a pole in the garden to keep the crows away,
I’m sure I will think of plenty more as time goes on.
Once I realized the plethora of uses for these over sized, completely obnoxious political mailers, I began to panic. The primary is only two weeks away and after that, there will be no more for awhile.
So, I decided the best thing would be to drive around my neighborhood and go to homes where I saw these giant eyeballs on giant postcards sticking out of other people’s mailboxes and ask them if it would be okay if I took them off their hands.
I found that humans by nature are very generous because not one of them denied my request. In fact some were ecstatic and promised that they would just leave them in a bundle on their steps for me to take as needed.
I thanked them but felt a little guilty.
They didn’t know what they were missing.

Brendan welcomes your comments as brendan@weirs.com. His website is www.BrendanTSmith.com