I’m Your Guy

A Fool In NH Column Heading

I know you have barely, if at all, gotten over the New Hampshire Primary season, but here I am making my pitch to you for my run this year to be Governor of New Hampshire under the Flatlander ticket.
I have been seriously considering letting it alone this year and using the time to do something really worthwhile, like binge watching all twelve seasons of MASH on Netflix, but after I’ve seen what has been going on in the Presidential race, I realize this really could be my year.
There’s a revolution brewing. This has become the “Year Of The Outsider.” The year that everyone is clamoring for anyone to be in charge except those who have been for years. The people want someone with no experience in running a government, someone who has lots of ideas but no concrete solutions to get them done… If that’s what you want, then I’m your guy.
This seems to be the year where promises of giving everything to everyone and eliminating all they fear is selling big. It’s the year of angry people who are tired of those who have been making them promises for years and then never deliver.
It’s the year of new people making new empty promises that they will probably never be able to fulfill.
I can do that.
Yes, I know, I have run for office before and I have made great empty promises, but no one really paid attention to me since all the focus was on the empty promises of the professionals. They are very good at it.
I have even tried all of the known gimmicks that have been used by politicians over the years to win elections, but I have never had any success since most people wouldn’t even give me the time of day.
I was an outsider and no one wanted to listen, but this year it is different.
This year is also a lot about anger. People are mad as hell and they are not going to take it anymore. People want to believe in new empty promises.
To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln (who probably would never have been elected in 2016 because of his appearance) “You can fool some of the people all of the time, but you can’t fool all of the people all of the time unless you come up with new ways to fool them.”
On top of the promises, people want stuff as well. It isn’t enough that you make stuff up that you try to get people to believe will make their country (or in my case, their state) better, you have to throw in a few things to satisfy their humanitarian concerns of “What’s in it for me personally?”
That is why this year I will bring back my raffle idea.
People who vote for me can send me selfies of themselves with their ballots in the voting booth and one lucky winner will get a new 64-inch HD Smart TV (including wall mount installation). There will be other small prizes as well.
This may be illegal, but I figure by the time they sort all of that out I may already have been elected governor so it won’t matter much. (This is also a good year for a candidate to have a federal indictment or a lawsuit or two hanging over their head.)
I usually tell people about the raffle at the end of my speeches so that will be the only thing they remember and will forget about the unrealistic promise I made earlier. (I am counting on people’s small attention spans to carry me to victory.)
I’ll even make a big deal about my lack of experience. I will portray myself as the true outsider. My bumper stickers are already made which say: “He could never run a country, but he should be alright with just a state and a small one at that.”
I will also emphasis that I am beholden to no one since no one would dare risk any money on me. (Still, just being beholden to one or two isn’t that bad. Interested? Call me.)
I figure that riding this wave may be my last shot at being elected governor. I have been the ultimate outsider for years and I really believe this is my time. Still, I don’t want to blow it so I need your help.
Let me know what new empty promises you’d like to hear (plus what other prizes you’d like to win in the raffle) so I can hit the ground running and really tap into the anger that is so prevalent.
I’m counting on you to tell me what it is you’d like me to do as governor that I probably could never get done and I will promise to promise that to you.
Join me in the revolution.

Brendan Smith is the author of “The Flatlander Chronicles” and “Best Of A F.O.O.L In New Hampshire” which are available at www.BrendanTSmith.com