It’s been awhile since I came up with some new ideas for lottery scratch tickets here in New Hampshire.
It’s not that I need to come up with ideas; no one is asking me to, but I just can’t help myself and I know the folks at the Lottery Commission are paying attention.
Way back in the late 1990s, long before we went from homo sapiens who walked around standing upright to homo sapiens walking around hunched shouldered as we stare down at our smartphones, I wrote my first column on new scratch ticket ideas, one idea called “Pot Holes and Frost Heaves” which the Lottery Commission asked for my permission to use.
Well, the celebrity and fame that followed had me on a good high for a few weeks, but then it faded. I have since tried to get that feeling back as I attempt each year to come up with new ideas for scratch tickets which are never used.
Still, I know the Lottery Commission is paying attention since I once poked fun at their “Smells Like Bacon” scratch ticket and they sent me two in the mail. (I didn’t win but it was delicious on my turkey sandwich.)
So, here I am once again sending out to the Universe and the Lottery Commission a few new ideas for ways to get people to give them money with the distant dream of winning big.
I know they are both listening, so here goes.
As we become more environmentally conscious, I think that lottery tickets that don’t really exist would be a great idea. This ticket would be called “Saving The Planet” and you would simply go to your local convenience store, give the cashier a dollar and they would press a button which would instantly announce “winner” or “loser.” With no physical tickets in play there would be less waste and, according to a friend of mine in the medical field, could also help cut down on “Scratchers Wrist” which comes from playing too many tickets, serving a second important function. Also, playing a scratch ticket that isn’t really a ticket will not only make less waste but will also be faster and thus save time and money…uh….well…time anyway.
If Donald Trump becomes president I think that would present a great opportunity to take advantage by developing a scratch ticket using his name. I have no idea how it would be played, but I guarantee you it will be great.
A few months ago I came up with a ticket idea that utilized the idea of the now immortal scratch ticket that smelled like bacon. I thought another great idea would be a scratch ticket that, when scratched, smells like nothing. This would be a great sell in the summertime to tourists who are coming here from big, overpopulated and smelly cities who have never experienced the smell of “nothing”.
Of course, once they get to their lakefront or beachside destination, the lure of smelling nothing will lose its appeal after a few days so it is important to sell these tickets only at northbound rest areas…um, excuse me…welcome centers. As they load up on cheap booze for the week, a giant display of “Smells Like Nothing” scratch tickets should be on display as they wait on the checkout line with other visitors.
As the technology for finding almost instantly what your DNA tells about you, I’m sure we are only a year or two away from DNA stations where you will be able to go to the convenience store and insert DNA from your cheek in a machine right next to the ATM and find out instantly that you are not really your sister’s brother and other life altering facts. So, why not prepare for a DNA themed scratch ticket.
I guess you’re waiting for me to give you a great idea on how this one would be played, but I haven’t quite figured it out yet. I just know it would come with a Q-Tip and you could win as much as 25,000 dollars while at the same time dramatically changing everything you believed about your life up to that point. But, hey, it might be worth it.
Well, that’s about it. I am pretty exhausted at this point coming up with great ideas.
I know the universe and the Lottery Commission are paying attention and I give them permission to use any one of my great ideas.
They don’t even have to send me a couple of sample tickets in appreciation. I never win anything on them anyway.
Visit Brendan’s website at www.BrendanTSmith.com