Exposing Secrets

A Fool In NH Column Heading

I’m here to let you in on a few secrets.
I’m one myself, you know..a Flatlander, I mean, not a secret.
I moved here in 1985 from Long Island, New York.
I’ve lived here now over thirty years and since 1995, through these pages, I have been, among other things, explaining how I learned to adjust to life here in the Granite State.
Some of it seems like a far memory now and a lot of it has changed.
For example, you can’t go picking the good stuff at the dump anymore. This was a fun game where you could bring an empty pickup truck (now I know why they call it that) and come home with a brand new, used rusty appliance.
It seems the litigious craziness has even seeped its way up here. You can’t be doing that stuff anymore.
But that’s not what I am here to tell you about today.
I’m here to tell you about how natives of New Hampshire have been spying on us for years.
This is something many of us older Flatlanders have known about for years but have been afraid to talk about.
But I am here to break the silence; to let you in on these secrets.
Some might call me a whistleblower and hoist me upon their shoulders. Others might look at me as a traitor, now that the natives will know we are onto their secrets, and will never quite trust us again.
But, these stories need to be told. So, I will take my chances.
Be careful when buying anything that says “I Love New Hampshire” on it. Though most of these are safe, some have been equipped with highly sophisticated bugging devices.
You see, natives know that only Flatlanders will buy such things and either wear them or place them in their homes, allowing their most intimate of conversations be recorded for dissection.
As I said, not all of these things are bugged. Look carefully for any signs when purchasing them.
Be careful not to ask any local native store owner these seemingly innocent but volatile words: “I’m not from around here. What do you suggest?”
Soon you will find yourself with a bag full of goods, most equipped with sophisticated, miniature recording devices. Odds are good the stylish carrying bag will have one as well.
Yard sales, too, are breeding grounds for spying equipment. Don’t be fooled by that antique replica of the Old Man Of The Mountain. Chances are there is the latest in tiny video equipment in its nose.
For those of you who have recently moved here be aware of your surroundings.
A casual conversation with a native neighbor may not be all it seems.
“Nice day.”
“Think it will rain?’
How do you think this winter will be?”
“Hard to say.”
Innocent? Maybe. But some are recording your every movement and voice patterns which is stored in a database to be studied by a group of native psychologists who will then decipher your body movements which will then be taught to undercover natives who will use this knowledge to pretend they are Flatlanders in order to mingle with other Flatlanders and gather even more valuable information.
Yes, it goes that deep.
If you have ever gone to one of those things called Bean Hole Bean dinners, be aware. Always check the weight of your silverware and more importantly, the Bean Hole Beans. The natives are now beginning to perfect nanotechnology.
Also be aware of places offering things like New York Style Pizza and Coney Island style hot dogs. You can almost be certain that these were created for one reason only and backed with plenty of native dollars.
So there you have it. Some of the secrets revealed.
There are plenty more and I will soon be making them public as soon as I can find a partner who isn’t afraid to take the risk with me.
So far, I haven’t been very successful. But, I understand.
Think of me as you will as either a hero or the enemy. It makes no difference to me now.
I just hope that my family forgives me and no harm will come to them. They had nothing to do with this. I take full responsibility for my actions.
I have been offered asylum in Vermont and California, but, in reality, I think I’d rather just stay right here and take my chances. Those places are crazy.

To find out more about Brendan’s book and upcoming appearances go to www.BrendanTSmith.com