Campaign Journal

A Fool In NH Column Heading

Brendan has been busy with his campaign since he won the nomination for governor by the Flatlander Party and has yet to submit a column for this week. While nosing around his desk we came across a journal he has been keeping. It was marked “private” and we called him to ask if maybe we could print a few excerpts. He didn’t answer his cell phone, so we went ahead and took the liberty of printing them anyway. Hey, we had to fill this page. Hope you enjoy.

July 4th, 2016
Happy Independence Day! It’s also the day before the Flatlander convention and I admit I’m a bit nervous. Even though I am not officially the nominee, I decided that I would still march in the Wolfeboro Parade today. I haven’t been invited, but I will do as I always do and jump in at some point holding a sign to vote for me until an official asks me to leave. It’s always my hope that I will get a little media coverage as the interaction between myself and officials may cause a small disruption. Every bit of press helps.
Parade was a failure. No one cared about me. If I knew I would end up walking the entire route, I would have worn my sneakers.

July 5th, 2016
Well, today is the day I find out if the party wants me as their candidate. I don’t have much time to write this morning as there are still a few delegates that I haven’t called yet to try and persuade them. I’m just hoping they all got their fruit baskets and gallon of real New Hampshire Maple Syrup. Hopefully will have good news tomorrow morning. Feet still hurt from yesterday.

July 6th, 2016
It’s over. I did it. I’m the nominee again. I am full of mixed emotions. One part of me is excited, another is nervous and still another is thinking about how to spend that hundred grand a year I would get as a salary for being governor. That would be pretty sweet. Still, I have a long way to get there, a lot of ridiculous promises to make, sweaty hands to shake and lots of eyes to stare into with deep caring while talking about a lot of things I don’t really care about. I just need to focus on the prize and imagine, among other things, a new 88-inch HD Smart TV with a state of the art home theater system to back it up. Feet still hurt, but feeling a bit better.

July 9th, 2016
Took a few days off to regroup think about my campaign plans and soak my feet. Went to a bean hole bean luncheon today to mingle a bit. There were a few supporters there including one guy who was pretty excited to meet me. He kept me cornered for a good fifteen minutes talking about everything under the sun he found wrong with New Hampshire. I lost interest after about twenty second so I tried to keep myself looking engaged by staring at the unusual mole he had over his top lip. Maybe it was the bean hole beans I ate, but I could have sworn it resembled Chris Christie. Feet feel much better.

July 12th, 2016
Somehow the Flatlander Party got me invited to three functions today. One was for small business owners, another for a group of teachers and the third for some people in the hospitality business. I have to be very careful and make sure I correctly substitute the words “small businesses” “schools” and “hospitality businesses” in the proper places during my speech. Reading the same speech over and over I tend to sometimes get distracted and my mind drifts to other things. (Like that 88-inch HD Smart TV with a state of the art home theater system.)

July 13th, 2016
Mistakenly called the small business owners teachers yesterday and vice versa, not once but multiple times. Don’t think I will be invited back to either group. Need to be better and keep my eyes on the prize.

July 20th, 2016
Haven’t written anything for a week. I have been obsessed with this Pokemon Go thing. Have to get my focus back and get back to campaigning. Feet hurt again from walking all over the place looking for imaginary monsters.

July 21st, 2016
Independent poll by Flatlander Party just in. Three percent said they’d vote for me, two percent maybe, ninety-five percent had no idea who I am. Need to regroup.

July 23, 2016
On a local radio talk show to try and get my name out there. Host kept mispronouncing my name as “Brandon” and “Brent”. I explained “It’s Brenda with an ‘N’” We discussed this for an hour including calls from angry listeners who wanted to blame the spelling of my name on the government. Head hurts.

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