Lots Of Reasons

A Fool In NH Column Heading

I was horrified to pick up the newspaper last week to read that our governor was involved in a car accident.
Fortunately, no one was hurt, but the idea of it even happening was upsetting to me.
Running for governor myself as the candidate for the Flatlander Party, I have some very good reasons why I want to win that corner office in the State House.
Getting into car accidents isn’t one of them.
In fact, one of the reasons I have chosen to run is to be above all of that.
You see, if you are governor and you to go somewhere outside of the state house, the state police have to give you a ride, no questions asked. They will even let you turn on the siren whenever you feel like it because, hey, you are the governor.
Of course, riding in a state vehicle driven by the state police, you shouldn’t even have to consider that you might get into an accident, so I was quite disturbed to see this had happened. It gave me pause to consider if it was still worth running.
I mean, if I have to worry about all of the same things that everyone else has to worry about, why bother seeking a higher office? I was hoping to put those sort of worries behind me.
Still, I had to weigh all of the benefits of being governor against this.
Governors of New Hampshire earn one hundred thousand dollars a years even if they do a lousy job. In fact they don’t have to do anything and can often keep the job for four, six or even eight years if enough people aren’t paying attention.
Another really great incentive is that New Hampshire is one of three states where the official title for the governor is “Your Excellency.”
I’m not kidding.
If I become governor people would have to refer to me as “Your Excellency” all the time.
How cool is that?
Even if I decide to mingle with the common folk and go down to the local supermarket deli section to buy a pound of low sodium turkey breast (as governor I could well afford it), when it came my turn in line (which would always be next) the deli attendant would have to say things like: “How would you like that sliced your Excellency?”
Even when I got together with other governors during governor get-togethers, other governors would have to refer to me as “Your Excellency” while I would only be required to address them as “Honorable” as designated by their states rules.
As far as what my family would have to call me if I am governor, that will be up for discussion.
(Fun Fact: Here in New Hampshire our state representatives are given the title “Honorable” no matter how dishonorable they are. Every elected office, no matter how small, has its perks.)
Another really great reason to want to be governor is that you get to have your picture taken with all sorts of different people who have accomplished great things even though you had nothing to do with their accomplishment.
For example, say some scientist in New Hampshire works hours on end for years, maybe decades, to discover a cure for a deadly disease. As governor you could easily arrange to have your picture taken presenting them with a declaration heralding their accomplishment. This way you can not only connect yourself to this achievement you had nothing to do with, but you could also give a silent raspberry to Mr. Morris who failed you in tenth grade biology and forced you to go to summer school and miss that really great outing in the Catskills that you haven’t been able to let go of after all these years.
If you are governor you can also declare an official day for anything you want. You can decide that July 16th is officially “Toenail Fungus Awareness Day” if you want to make people uncomfortable. (I’ll bet you are right now.) Previous governors have recognized businesses that have been around for awhile by designating different days in their honor.
Of course, no one ever pays attention to these days except the people who are designated. It’s all about ego, we all have them, even if we aren’t running for office. (It’s also another great way to get a picture of yourself connected to something you had nothing to do with.)
The more I think about all of the great reasons to want to be governor, they vastly overshadow the small things like the possibility of getting into an accident.
After all, how often does something like that actually happen.
I guess if it really bothers me I can insist on having the siren on every time I get a ride somewhere so as to keep the roads clear.
Of course, I’ll insist on pushing the button.