You Have No Idea

A Fool In NH Column Heading

I hate to admit it, but I am at a loss about what to write in this week’s column.
I’m sitting here at a local sandwich shop eating a turkey sub / hoagie / grinder / hero (to cover bases of all those who are strong supporters of politically correct sandwich names), yellow note pad at the ready, just waiting for the flood of inspiration to come forth like some long, dormant volcano. I have been here for a while now and nothing much is happening, unless you count the mayonnaise dripping off my chin.
I’m not really sure what it is that is keeping me without any ideas. Maybe it’s this stretch of arctic weather we’ve been having after such a nice long stretch of above average temperatures. I haven’t gone outside much, so there hasn’t been much I’ve seen to inspire me.
Even inside there hasn’t been much to fuel a creative idea. Nothing’s been broken in the house for me to make worse by trying to fix it which is always good for a column or two.
I was going to write about the latest meeting of F.A.T.S.O., my winter support group to help new transplants adjust to their first winters here, but we had to cancel because it was too cold and there was a threat of bad weather. (Some of them just don’t get it.)
I could write about the latest happenings with the legislature in Concord, but it’s been pretty much the same ole, same old. The same old legislator wants to try and pass the same old casino bill..again…Zzzzz. (I am told just a couple more years of trying this and this legislation will make it into the Guinness Book for most failed attempts….Now that might be a column.)
I could chime in about all of the protests and yelling and screaming that have been going on across the country since the last election, but I won’t. You can thank me later.
I had an idea for a new scratch ticket for people to throw away their money on. It would be called “Instant Millionaire” or something similarly deceptive. It would cost $1,000 to play, but only two thousand tickets would be sold. If you can’t afford a ticket, The Lottery Commission would have a loan department to provide people with decent credit scores a loan of the $1,000 to be paid back over two years at 23 percent interest. ( Small kiosks would be set up at state liquor stores and local convenience stores to process the loans.)
Still, just one idea for a scratch ticket won’t do it for a column. I’ll save that one for later. (And, Please Play Responsibly!)
While I was thinking, a couple of people behind me at the sandwich shop caught my ear as they were discussing the differences between New York City and New Hampshire. “At sixty degrees New Yorkers turn on the heat, in New Hampshire they plant gardens” said one. “At twenty degrees the people in New York worry about frozen pipes, in New Hampshire people are having their last cookout,” said the other. Pretty funny stuff, but not enough for a whole column. I’d have to do some more thinking.
It got me to thinking about making up a list called “You Know It’s Winter In New Hampshire When…..” I did have a few ideas like:
“….when a native replaces his greeting from “Hot enough for ya?’ to “Cold enough for ya?”
“…people begin to shiver uncontrollably because the NH House and Senate are back in session.”
“….the most watched reality TV show is The Weather Channel.”
And that was about it. Not too bad, but definitely not enough for a whole column. (Do you have some yourself? Send them to me, might be a big help next time.)
Well, my turkey sub /hoagie/ grinder / hero is just about done and my yellow notepad is pretty much empty (f you don’t count the mayonnaise stains) and my deadline for this week’s column is fast approaching. I am sorry to disappoint those of you who were looking forward to a great column this week; I was as well.
I am hoping that the cold spell will break soon and things will get moving again around here soon and there will be plenty to write about.
Thank you for understanding and I promise to do much better next week.

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