Have you seen my oversized political mailer I have been using to promote my current campaign for governor under The Flatlander Party ticket?
Chances are you didn’t since we only had a hundred and sixteen printed. That is all we can afford since our war chest only has (had) forty-five dollars. (That was enough for eighty, I put the other thirty-six on my credit card).
Also, we forgot to take into account the cost of mailing, so none of the mailers ever went out in the mail.
Instead, we have been tacking them on notice boards in laundromats around the state. Maybe you’ve seen one while waiting for the dryer to beep.
For those of you who are fortunate enough to have washers and dryers at home, here are the details.
There are no attacks against the other candidates in my oversized mailers (even though we did find a juicy tidbit about one of the candidates involving a squeegee, a hot dog bun and six toothpicks, but that’s all I will say about that).
The mailer details the one important issue that I have decided to focus on.
It is an issue that we all deal with every day; a problem that does not discriminate by race, religion, gender, religious beliefs or even political party.
Yet, none of the other candidates will address this serious issue.
Of course, I am talking about our overwhelming squirrel problem.
There is not a road, either concrete or dirt, throughout the state, where this problem lies (or is it lays? No time to look it up.)
By the tens of thousands these furry little creatures have slowly taken over our highways and byways, willing to sacrifice their own lives and in turn making our lives more miserable.
I read on the Internet (so it has to be true) the reason is that more and more squirrels from Massachusetts have been making their way to New Hampshire having heard from other squirrels that the supply of whatever it is squirrels eat was plentiful. Plus their chances of getting squashed while gathering their food was much lower than that of where they were born.
It seems the New Hampshire squirrels have become more than upset with this influx of “Flatsquirrels” as they call them in the squirrel community and have been giving these squirrel transplants wrong directions when it comes to where to find the best food.
It is not surprising to see one of these squirrels in the middle of the road, innocently chewing on some gross natural thing and then suddenly looking up, seeing a car bearing down on them, a look of “What the #($)@#)” on their faces, and then a valiant, yet failed attempt to try and quickly figure out which is the best way to escape.
Despite it all, the Massachusetts squirrels continue to stream in, inspired only by the tales they have heard about this land of “nuts and berries”. Fooled into thinking things will be better here. Most never seeing their families again,
As governor, I will stop these squirrels at the borders (including Maine and Vermont).
I haven’t figured out all the details yet, but at least it has my total focus. I know fences won’t work, those little buggers are good climbers. We are searching for a humane method to take care of the problem. Perhaps little tiny videos at the border, in a language squirrels will understand, explaining to them that things aren’t exactly as they have imagined.
Possibly even try to broker a peace deal between squirrel communities.
Of course, if all else fails, more drastic measures will be needed.
We can only hope it never comes to that.
So, you see, there will be one candidate running for governor who won’t be spending time tearing down my opponents, but will be focusing wholeheartedly on addressing one of the most serious issues this state has seen in years.
The other candidates will be talking about abstract issues like taxes and jobs and other things you can’t really see while I will be focusing on what is in front of us every single day.
I want to bring us back to the days when a Sunday drive around New Hampshire wasn’t punctuated by the disturbing scenes which are commonplace on our roadways today.
For more details, visit a laundromat near you.