2020 Predictions

by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor

It is that time of year again. The first month of the New Year where I make my predictions for the coming 365 days (give or take a few.)

NATIONAL POLITICS
In response to protests about the Electoral process, the Republican and Democrat candidates for President will now determine the winner with a best out of five contest of Rock/Paper/Scissors. In the 2020 contest, Donald Trump wins 3 games to 2 and immediately protests break out to insist that the contest now be the Best of Seven in future years.

NEW HAMPSHIRE POLITICS
The New Hampshire legislature will pass a law to make it a felony to take more than 15 items into the 14 items or less checkout at a supermarket. (A law to also make it a felony to leave your shopping cart in a perfectly good parking space instead of the cart corral will lose by one vote.)

ENVIRONMENT
A group of first graders from Wisconsin will circle the globe lecturing to people about the dangers of Climate Change. Another group consisting of well-respected scientists will also circle the globe to refute the kindergartners claims. The scientists will be ostracized from the scientific community since, hey, you can’t criticize little kids, that’s just being plain mean.

MEDICINE
A new drug will be introduced called “Primatozone” which can be taken during Presidential Primary Season to offset the nausea brought on by the onslaught of campaign commercials and endless news stories about candidates visits to place of no importance. It will be tested first right here in New Hampshire.

In the same vein, TV commercials for drugs will now be required by law to show people not only enjoying life as they take the new drug, but also showing them suffering at least two side effects of the drug. Should be fun.

HEALTH
In order to cut costs the Food and Drug Administration will now simply put out the same statement every year: “Everything that we said was bad for you last year is now actually good for you and everything we said was good for you last year might now be bad for you. Everything else could be good or bad for you.” No one will care.

MOVIES
The newest high budget, special effects action movie “The Avengers Meet The Godfather” will be made to try and draw in moviegoers who wouldn’t normally go to high budget, special effects movies. It will be an unexpected success leading to the obvious sequel “The Avengers Meet The Godfather II.”

CULTURE
As the use of proper pronouns to identify people without offending them becomes more complicated for people who intend no harm but just can’t keep up with the changes, it will be suggested that everyone on the planet should now just be addressed as “Yo” to keep it simple. The “Organization To Encourage Inclusivity For All” will protest the change as being insensitive to those who are different from everyone else.

A new social media site will be created to give people yet another avenue where they can silently yell and scream at others with opposing viewpoints and say things online to them they would never say to their face. It will be called “Another Total Waste Of Valuable Time.”

TV
A new reality show called “Dancing With The People Who Watch Dancing With The Stars” will premiere. If the thought of that excites you. you have my sympathies.

TECHNOLOGY
The new “Bubble” by Apple will be a big hit. It will be made of soft clear plastic and cover the whole body. Using the same technology developed for self-driving vehicles, the user will now be able to safely walk down any city street without having to ever take their eyes from their phones as the “Bubble” will guide them along keeping them from bumping into other people, obstructions or moving vehicles. It will sell out on the first day. “Bubble 2” which has already been developed, will have a shaded feature for sunny days and will be introduced in 2021 or soon after the first “Bubble” sells out. Everyone with the original “Bubble” will line up to buy “Bubble 2”.

The first electric/solar powered commercial jet plane is introduced. No one buys a ticket.

I do have more predictions, but why tell you everything? You’ll have to find out for yourselves.

Brendan is the author of “The Flatlander Chronicles” and “Best Of A F.O.O.L. In New Hampshire. Hos newest book “I Really Only Did It For The Socks and Other Tales Of Aging” will be published later this year.