2023 Predictions
by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor
Yes, it’s that time of the year when I make my predictions for 2023.
You should hold onto this page until the end of the year to see how I did. I know I will. Unless, of course, I need it to wrap up some delicate crystal glasses or something.
So here we go.
TECHNOLOGY – With declining sales in the five boroughs of New York City, Amazon will introduce the “Joey” as an alternative to the “Alexa” to bring a more familiar and less polite tone to make these New Yorkers feel more comfortable. For example, you can now ask “Hey Joey, What Time is It?” and the app will answer “Whatsamatter you? Ain’t got a watch?! It’s One Thirteen. Do I gotta do everything for ya?” Or even more personal like “Hey Joey, what’s up with that new guy at work? and the app will answer “Yeah, I know. Tell me about it.”
ONLINE HELP – A new online self-help program will debut where for $19.95 a month (or $225 upfront for a year) you can be inspired to success by a guy who is making a ton of money running an on-line self-help program.
ALTERNATIVE CURRENCY – A new form of non-physical currency called Whisper Currency will make an appearance. With this new one people will whisper dollar amounts into plastic bags and then tie them tightly with twist ties. The veracity of the new currency will come under scrutiny when the first “Whisper Billionaire” suddenly loses his fortune when his young son finds the plastic bag he whispered “a billion dollars” into and uses it to carry his peanut butter and jelly sandwich to school, trades it with another kid for a bologna sandwich, who then brings the bag home to his mother who throws it away in the recycling bin where it just ends up in the landfill with all the other garbage. Whisper Currency enthusiasts will defend the new currency while some financial experts will claim it is nothing but hot air.
SPORT TRENDS – The new casual sports trend “Pickle Ball” will have competition when “Cucumber Ball” makes its debut. The creator, Herbert Whatisthis, will promote it as going back to the origins of “Pickle Ball” and how it was really meant to be played. It will be a big hit…for awhile.
PRO SPORTS – Tom Brady will sign with a new NFL team, but this time as kicker. In an interview Brady will say “I always wanted to try that. You get tired of throwing the ball all the time.”
POLITICS –The first candidates for the 2024 Presidential Season will visit New Hampshire this year pretending to actual like people and that they care about what happens to them. (I know, a lazy prediction, but it does come true every time.)
MEDIA – A new TV reality series will start in the spring. In it, real people will tell the real news stories of the day as they actually happen without injecting any personal bias or politics into the stories. It will fail though as most people will find it boring and confusing.
MISCELLANEOUS – The letters “H” and “T” will decide to identify as a vowels, while “O” and “A” will decide to become non-binary letters.
WEATHER –The Weather Channel will continue to give storms male and female names but will also now have a gender meteorologist who will decide the proper pronouns for each storm as well.
HEALTH – Two chocolate doughnuts a day will be found to increase lifespans by up to ten years in a study funded by the American Doughnut Association.
Another study will determine that the threshold of 10,000 steps a day for a healthy life should actually be 11,278 steps.
TRAVEL – In order to avoid another travel meltdown, Southwest Airlines is changing their policies during bad weather situations. Now when any plane is ready to load, anyone with a ticket can just get on. Once the plane is full a vote will be taken of passengers to see where the majority would like to go. You can then choose to deboard and let others on, or just stay on the plane in the hope at the next airport you will be in the majority on the next full plane. Most think this will still get all passengers to their preferred destinations faster than the current model.
So there you have it. I hope this helps you in planning for the year ahead.
Brendan is the author of “The Flatlander Chronicles”, “Best Of A F.O.O.L. In New Hampshire” and “I Only Did It For The Socks Stories & Thoughts On Aging.” All three are available at BrendanTSmith.com.