A Home Improvement Column?

by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor

If you have gotten over the fact that the Weirs Times looks a little different this week, you might have also noticed that it is also the start of our Annual Fall Home Improvement Section.
It was suggested to me, since I was looking for a column idea for this week, that I write something to do with Home Improvement.
If you have read my column over the years, you may have surmised that I am certainly not the handiest of people. Being a homeowner over the years I have forced myself into learning some of the basics. I even have a collection of tools that I stare at once in a while and occasionally pick up.
It’s not my first house, I have lived in a few. As far as Improvement projects, my favorite place was a rented condo I lived in for a few years as the biggest home improvement I needed to do was to buy new bath towels.
I learned some hard lessons in the first house I lived in here about thirty years ago. I did my best to avoid any new projects until it was too late, if at all.
For instance.
Every time it would rain, water would get into the basement through a partially rotted old wooden bulkhead door.
A friend of mine, who was very handy, told me he knew a junkyard where I could get a perfectly good metal bulkhead for free. All I would need to do was replace it and my troubles would be over.
We took a trip in his pickup somewhere in Massachusetts. The bulkhead was in good shape, he said, as if I would know the difference, I just nodded to show him I was alive.
When we got back to my house and he did some measuring we realized that the door was just a couple of inches too wide.
My friend explained that this could be fixed easily. He started to explain the process to me and how simple it would be for me to do.
“Blabbity, blah, blah, blabbity blah,” was all I remember him saying as I started to get lightheaded when he told me I would be doing this myself.
He left me some funny looking tools that I could swear I had seen on the History Channel on a program they did on torture chambers during the Spanish Inquisition.
I looked at the tools, the new bulkhead door, and then the tools again. It was already late in the afternoon (at least 1:30) so I knew I didn’t have enough time to fix it that day.
I breathed a sigh of relief, covered the bulkhead with a tarp (which I knew how to use) and then brought the tools into the house.
About two months later I gave the tools back to my friend. He asked me how everything went. I told him all was fine.
A year later the tarp still covered the bulkhead.
A year after that I got divorced and moved out of that house.
A man can really go to extremes when he doesn’t want to fix something.
There was a precursor to this episode that did force my delay of the task, proving to me that if it did not go as well as expected (which was not very well at all) then I would be stuck and forced to find a quick solution.
There was a leaky pipe in the basement with a bucket underneath that filled up every few days. The Reader’s Digest Easy Home Fix-it Book showed me just how easy it would be to fix.
I went to the hardware store, found the tools that looked like the one in the book and attempted this “easy” repair.
I don’t remember exactly what happened except that nothing I did looked like the pictures in the book. There was the twist of a tool, a crack of a pipe and more than a few swear words. Unlike the bulkhead I knew this needed immediate attention and that I’d never be able to find enough excuses to not have water in the house for a year.
I was lucky to find a plumber who came over within the hour. He explained it was an after hours emergency (it was 4pm). I wasn’t going to argue.
It ended up costing me more than I expected – in money and pride.
I will give myself some credit though others may not.
I once fixed a toilet seat and even fixed a wiring problem and I did not use Duct Tape on either project. I have driven by that house over the years and it is still standing, so I guess I did a good job.
So, as far as a column by me full of Home Improvement ideas, I’d suggest you look elsewhere.
I’d be more than happy to give advice on how to change a lightbulb, as long as it’s the old fashioned just screw it in type. I can even be helpful in helping unplug a drain. Otherwise. I won’t be much help.
So, this is my attempt at a Home Improvement column. It might not be my best, but I’m open to suggestions on how to fix it to make it better.

Brendan is the author of “The Flatlander Chronicles” and “Best Of A F.O.O.L. In New Hampshire” available at BrendanTSmith.com. His latest book “I Only Did It For The Socks and Other Tales of Aging” will be published later this year.