An Even Dozen

by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor

Now that the race for governor of New Hampshire is finally kicking into full gear, I’m feeling pretty confident about my chances this year.
This year marks a very special and emotional campaign for me. This will be my twelfth consecutive attempt at winning that corner office at the State House (I hear the bathrooms are spectacular, but that’s just rumor).
I will call this my dozennial campaign running under the Flatlander ticket. It has a nice patriotic ring to it.
In the past, I have used a variety of unique campaign strategies that have not worked, which is obvious since if I did I wouldn’t be here typing this but would now still be governor, or maybe even senator or even running for president of the United States. (Well, at the very least I’d be out on a very successful tour promoting my latest book with some catchy title like “Me The People” or “A Life Of Purpose” or some other inane title that would be full of made up stories about my overcoming adversity, but would make it obvious I would like to stay in politics for the rest of my life instead of getting an actual job.)
This year’s campaign, which I’m pretty sure will be my last if I don’t win, will be looking to build a wider tent of support, bringing people into my fold that would never have considered joining me before. I am calling it “A Campaign Of Cool Promises.”
The only way to do that is to promise really big things, something for everyone. It doesn’t matter that I may never be able to accomplish these things once elected, it’s just giving people a sense of what could be (but probably won’t) that stirs their emotions and gets their vote.
First off, I am going to use a campaign strategy I used years ago. It got me a few votes and will probably again. Now that selfies in the voting booth are legal here in New Hampshire, I will hold a contest on election day. Every photo sent to me showing a write-in vote for me will be entered in a drawing if I win. The grand prize will be a 64-inch HD Smart TV, with two year subscriptions to Netflix, Hulu and Amazon Prime.
For those of you who are disgusted at the idea of me bribing people to get their vote on election day, I truly understand, that is why I am promising the following things that might persuade you to cast your ballot for me.
I will have the New Hampshire Lottery Commission adjust their scratch tickets so that they pay out even better odds so that it will take even longer for you to lose your money and giving you a satisfying but false sense of prosperity.
Now that there is a supposed coin shortage, I will make it mandatory that all state representatives will be required to carry extra change with them and be available 24/7 when called by a constituent who just pulled into the vacuum stall at the local car wash, went to the bill changer to get quarters, only to find out it is out of order and not an attendant in site. (I hate that!!)
State senators will also be required to take phone calls from constituents not just to give their canned answers to state issues but to also provide information on five-day weather forecast and how to figure out the proper tip at a local restaurant since you have forgotten your reading glasses.
I will have Skype (or Zoom) installed in voting booths so that voters can contact friends and family to help them figure out just what the heck those ridiculously worded amendments on the ballot really mean.
I would also like to see local restaurants set up mini bars at polling places to quell the crowds while the booths are tied up with folks Skyping and Zooming (masks and social distancing required).
I will have liquor store employees, now be required to use a special book, produced by the state, to suggest to customers drink ideas in helping them make a selection and also now explain to customers different foods and recipes to complement each liquor and wine as well as suggesting a good movie to watch after dinner.
This is just a very small sampling of some of the great ideas I will be running on in this “Campaign Of Promises.” I am not going to give you them all here, but they will be available in my soon to be published pamphlet entitled: “Something For Everyone. Campaign Promises For The People.”
I am looking forward to this dozennial campaign.
This is my time, I have waited long enough.

Brendan is the author of “The Flatlander Chronicles” and “Best Of A F.O.O.L. In New Hampshire” available at BrendanTSmith.com. His latest book “I Only Did It For The Socks – Stories and Thoughts On Aging” will be published later this year.