Campaign Distancing

by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor

Being in lockdown mode has sure put a crimp in the style of those us running for election in November.
Against my better judgement, I have once again decided to run for governor of New Hampshire under the Flatlander ticket.
Having already made the commitment to the party, I am now having second thoughts. But I still have to go through with it.
Being governor never really seemed that stressful to me. You get escorted around by the state police (you can even run the siren if you want…a lifelong dream of mine), you get to declare special days for this or that and, the best part, you make $100,000 a year and you can’t be fired for at least two years no matter how lousy you are at the job.
But now with this Coronavirus thing, I am having second thoughts. There are some difficult decisions you sometimes have to make as governor and some of them can get people really angry at you.
That’s no fun.
I’m not sure that even turning on the siren in the state police car whenever you want is enough to compensate.
Still, being a man of my word, I am going ahead with my campaign.
The tricky part this year is how to get my message heard when I can’t go out and actually meet people. There’ll be no shaking hands at the local mall or attending bean hole bean dinners where candidates have to stand around and make small talk with a bunch of people who just ate a boatload of bean hole beans and then try to gracefully leave before the beans force self-imposed social distancing.
In these unusual times, campaigning has to be done creatively.
Of course, there is the tried and true method of sending out those obnoxious oversized political mailers which have been the cause of many worker’s comp claims by postal workers suffering back strain from lifting them. But I am afraid the mailers will not be as effective as they have in the past. With the ongoing toilet paper shortages in the stores, those mailers may now be welcomed not so much for what their message might be, but more for how they can be utilized for other emergencies.
The most effective method for getting the message out in this modern day is using social media like Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. (Of course, there are many others, but I’m an old guy in my sixties so I don’t know what they are.) On these social media sites, you can post some of your thoughts on what you could accomplish as governor as well as stances on important issues. The best part about doing this is that the feedback is instantaneous. Before you can say “Emoji” people will be chiming in by calling you names and saying other nasty things to you they would never say to your face.
Of course, any campaign worth its salt will come up with a few phony social media profiles to join in on the name calling of your opponent. These are really great resources if used correctly.
If you can find enough people who aren’t too busy binge watching another silly documentary about a guy and tigers, you can try to start up a virtual Town Hall meeting using something like Zoom. (I guess there are others as well but, once again, over sixty, don’t know and really don’t care.) With Zoom, you give people a password so they can sign in, along with many others, and listen to you explain your platforms while watching you live. You also get to see the faces of the folks you are talking to. It’s very personal.
It is important to remember when holding a Zoom meeting that people will quickly get easily distracted watching other Zoomers scratching themselves and picking their noses, among other things and will stop hearing anything you say after about thirty seconds. (It is important to note that a lot of people will join in on a Zoom meeting simply to see what other folks’ houses look like, so play to that strength if you can.)
If you want to still try and get out and personally meet folks, you will need to be creative so as not to break any Social Distancing laws.
With many of New Hampshire’s scenic hiking spots still open (for now), you can literally take to the “Campaign Trail”. Making sure not to get to close to other hikers you can drop a few, loud erroneous comments like “What a beautiful view, it’s too bad candidate so and so wants to cut down all the trees and turn the public parks into state liquor stores.”
Of course, some of the other hikers might catch onto your stealth campaigning and become annoyed. That is why you should make sure you are not standing near a ledge of any sort.
It will be interesting to see how this strange campaign season goes this year.

Brendan is the author of “The Flatlander Chronicles” and “Best Of A F.O.O.L In New Hampshire”. His newest book “I Really Only Did It For The Socks -Stories & Thoughts On Aging” will be available later this year. Brendan has also entertained audiences around New Hampshire with his storytelling presentations. To find out more visit his website at BrendanTSmith.com