Christmas Movies
by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor
Now that Thanksgiving has come and gone, it is really time to get into the true Christmas spirit.
What better way to really get into the mood then with some classic Christmas movies?
Of course, things are a little different this year than in the past due to the virus and the peaceful riots and all the other stuff. So, Hollywood has remade a few of these time honored flix that we have come to love to relate more to the times we live in.
One of the great things about these movie remakes – new versions of stories about hope and love for our fellow man and how to be better people, is that we will be able to watch them in our own homes without sitting in a movie theater with a lot of other annoying people around rattling their hands around in those noisy popcorn bags during some of those heartwarming scenes.
I can’t stand those people.
There are quite a few remakes and no one really has time to watch them all. Most of us have more important things to get done like getting into political arguments on social media and watching our favorite twenty-four hour news channels so we know what our arguments on social media should be.
So, in the spirit of giving, I have narrowed down the selection to what I feel are the best, newly renovated for these times, Christmas classics.
A CHRISTMAS CAROL – In the remake of this classic, Scrooge is enlightened to the wonders of his own crabby life when he is visited by the three spirits of Christmas. Of course, there are the familiar spirits of Christmases Past and Future, but the Spirit of Christmas Present in a bit different. Arriving wearing a mask, and washing his hands in Scrooge’s bathroom before entering the bedroom, the Spirit of Christmas Present stays six-feet away from Scrooge and explains to him that he was planning to bring him to see how Christmas was being celebrated at Bob Cratchet’s House, but the fact that there were more than six people already there and that Tiny Tim was considered in the high risk category if he caught COVID-19, they’d have to put off that visit till next year. (The producers were going to have the Spirit of Christmas Future show Scrooge COVID-21, but they thought it might be too much for the audience.)
MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET – In this wonderful and inspiring remake, an old man going by the name of Kris Kringle fills in for a Santa at Macy’s who has contracted COVID-19. On his way home from his first day at work he walks down 34th Street in Manhattan without meeting a single protester or rioter. It is a true Christmas Miracle.
A CHRISTMAS STORY – The remake of this modern classic tells the story of little Ralphie who wants nothing more for Christmas then a Red Ryder BB Gun. He is disappointed when he opens a Christmas Present from his aunt – some PPE (Personal Protective Equipment). He is later delighted to find his father had secretly bought him a Red Ryder BB Gun with which, in this updated version, Ralphie actually does shoot his eye out. A trip to the emergency room doesn’t end well for little Ralphie and his demise is attributed to COVID-19.
HOME ALONE – A delightful Christmas Romp as eight-year-old Kevin McAllister is mistakenly left at home when his family leaves on a trip to Paris during Christmas vacation. Kevin’s solo exploits are short-lived as his family soon returns home as the family was kicked off the plane because the father refused to wear a mask.
IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE – In this remake, George Bailey is about to jump off a bridge but ends up rescuing his guardian angel Clarence who then shows George what his life has really been up till then. All is going well till Clarence gets to March 2020. By the end of the movie, they both jump off the bridge together.
A CHARLIE BROWN CHRISTMAS – In this remake, Charlie Brown, now in his 30s and a member of Antifa, tries to recruit the rest of the gang for some Christmas Day Mayhem. He is finally brought to see the errors of his ways by Linus who stops Charlie Brown just as he is about to throw a Molotov Cocktail at Snoopy’s Doghouse, which he sees as a symbol of Canine Colonialism. The ending will bring your eyes to watering as you can almost feel the teargas.
THE GRINCH WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS – This classic is being remade multiple times substituting different governors from different states in playing The Grinch.
THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS – This remake is quite different from the original as all it contains are newscasts from 2020. For lovers of 24/7 cable news this will be one you will want to enjoy again and again.
One interesting note: An updated remake of White Christmas was halfway through production when it was shut down due to protests that the name lacks the proper diversity. Of course, Hollywood quickly complied. (All existing copies of the original film are under orders to be destroyed.)
So, there you have it. Hope you enjoy your Christmas movies.
