Feeling A Little Aggressive
by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor
This weekend I turn sixty-five.
As a teenager, I never thought I would ever be “that old”. I was convinced I was chosen by a higher power to never age while everyone else did.
At almost forty years of age when my hair began to disappear, I started to think that maybe that was not the case. Still, things couldn’t get any worse.
Then along came my fifties introducing me to the wonders of the enlarged prostate, among other things.
Things really began to steamroll in my early sixties when even the simple act of getting out of bed in the morning could be the cause of a new aching body part.
I have certainly come to terms with the fact that I am not immortal. In fact, with modern science, I am grateful to even be here writing this today. My heart continues to beat about 100,000 times a day due to a valve that once belonged to a cow.
That certainly gives me a new perspective on things.
The results of an election didn’t go the way I would like? Well, at least I’m around to see it. There is something to be said for that.
Of course, just because I am older and feeling grateful, that does not give me the right to be completely unselfish. After all, this is the 21st century and I need to try to ignore what I am grateful for and focus more on staying angry at stupid things.
No matter how good life can be, I must never forget that I should feel offended by something.
It is the American way lately and I still try hard to fit in, just for the fun of it.
So, I am presenting here a list of microaggressions for those of us who have been fortunate enough to live pretty good lives but still feel the need to be part of the current scene.
Microaggressions are a new phenomena. The term is identified as “brief and commonplace verbal and behavioral indignities” which leaves the door wide open for most anything to be considered one.
There are already a list of what are called “geriatric microaggressions” towards people 65 and over. They have been created by the Department of Microaggressions (which I am told will be expanding under a possible Biden Administration).
For example, calling old people “cute” is considered a microaggression (seriously).
Using language considered offensive to older people like “gramps”, “geezer” and “old bag” is listed as a geriatric microaggression. I don’t really mind that one, it just gives me a chance to call the microaggressor a “stupid little ###**#” if I choose.
It seems that younger people who speak to us geezers in a slower and higher pitched or shouting tone is considered a microagression since they are assuming older folks cannot hear. To not be offensive, they need to speak quieter tones and faster because, even though we might not hear what they are saying, it doesn’t really matter because we probably won’t care anyway (especially if it is about politics). So why waste your breath? (Did I just write a microaggression?)
I have come up with a list of other things I feel should be considered “geriatric microaggressions.”
Asking me if I watched any TV show that was on past 9pm should be considered a microaggression since you know the odds are high I was most likely in bed already. Not asking if I recorded it is also one as it assumes that you think I don’t know how to program the DVR. (For the record…I do.)
If I am watching TV with someone younger and they are about to change the channel, but then hesitate as another drug commercial comes on, I feel that is a microaggression against me since I am assuming they think I need to see it. (I admit that I am intrigued by the side effects since I have experienced most of them even without taking the advertised drug.)
If I go to a clothing store to buy a pair of jeans and see they have “classic fit”, “relaxed fit”, “tapered fit”, etc..but no “just plain old regular fit like they had when I was younger” then I would consider that a microaggression. (And possibly a lawsuit since anything can be one nowadays.)
Watching teenagers and twenty-somethings sitting near me typing with two fingers on their smartphones at lightning speed while I am laboriously trying for several minutes to type a three-word answer with one finger, should be considered a microaggression. (I am often tempted to take out a pen and a piece of paper and perform a complicated multiplication or division problem right before their eyes, but I am not one to show off.)
There are other “geriatric microaggressions” that I could list, including using the word “geriatric”, but I’m not sure what they all are yet. These things take time to discover and you have to look hard.
For now, I am going to enjoy turning 65.
I have so much to be grateful for, especially being old enough to have new reasons to be angry.
Hear the audio version of this and other columns at BrendanTSmith.com. Brendan is the author of “The Flatlander Chronicles” and “Best Of A F.O.O.L. In New Hampshire” His latest book “I Only Did It For The Socks – Stories and Thoughts On Aging” will be published soon.
