Games For Christmas

by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor

The world has changed a lot over the past decade or so, making it even harder to find the right Christmas gift for certain people.
The hardest people to buy for over the years has certainly been the “politically correct” crowd, which grows more demanding every year.
What do you get for the discriminating Cancel Culture lover on your list?
That’s never easy.
Recently a slew of older classic games that we all used to play when we were younger and immune to the fact that most everything was offensive, have come out with new versions that should appeal to those who find nothing appealing.
I know this is a little late, but if you act now you might just come up with that perfect gift for them to put under the tree. (Of course, they might find the tree offensive for some reason, but these gifts might help ease the pain.)

MONOPOLY – This new version of the popular board game is played a bit differently. Each player is represented by an identical small, flat, grey stone, eliminating the superiority status one might feel being the race car as opposed to the thimble. (Yes, it is harder to keep track of whose piece is whose, but even if you move another player’s piece by mistake, that is fine, since all pieces are considered equal and belonging to the entire group.) There are no “Get Out Of Jail Free” cards in this new version since is no jail. The one with the most money at the end of the game is considered the loser and must sit in shame for twenty minutes. In compliance with COVID-19 restrictions, the game also comes with an ample supply of hand sanitizer so each player can disinfect after rolling the dice.

LIFE – In this game players spin the spinner and take their journey through making real life decisions. For example, does a player skip college and take their chances or immediately take on a $40,000 student loan hoping that it will lead to a better career? Of course, in the 2020 version, many players quickly realize that taking on a huge debt to take such courses as “The Art Of Walking”, “Zombies in Popular Media” and “How To Talk Klingon” (yes, all actual college courses) may not have been a wise career move and will now support political candidates who will fight for their right not to have to pay it back.

CLUE – No longer will it be Mrs. Green, Col. Mustard, Miss Scarlet, et al., who will be portrayed as possible suspects of murder, but all characters will have non-descript gender identities and be called by their proper pronoun so all players will feel as they are in a safe space as they try to figure out who bashed in Ze Mustard’s head with a candlestick in the study.

CANDYLAND – This game geared towards younger kids is simple to play. Draw a card and move your player to the appropriately colored square on the board. Players drawing a white card need to apologize first before moving ahead. A must to teach your children how to get ready to live in our new world.

SCRABBLE – Yes, amazingly enough this old classic has a new twist to keep up with the times. It will still be played the same, but all tiles will be worth 1 point so that those with knowledge of a lesser vocabulary can still have a chance of winning. Did your opponent play “Apteryx”? Well, now you can play “Doggies” and stay right with them. Everyone is a winner with this version. (Also comes with an updated dictionary where many undesirable words have been eliminated so challenges are easy to win.)

TRIVIAL PURSUIT – A whole new list of topics are introduced in the 2021 version “Cancel Culture” version, So brush up on new categories such as “New Offensive Phrases”, “Terrible Caucasians Throughout History”, “Bad,Bad Statues” and “Classic Movies That Need To Be Destroyed” or you won’t have chance.

MAD LIBS – The new, politically correct version of this old favorite has eliminated all adjectives as the creators of the game couldn’t find one that could be deemed non-offensive. Each book comes with a five-page list of acceptable nouns, verbs and even exclamations, plus an eighteen-page list of words that cannot be used under any circumstance. (It is also suggested that once all of the blank spaces have been filled in, it might be better not to read back the completed story on the outside chance that someone might still be offended by something.)

There is some bad news on the game front, even though it wouldn’t have been a wise choice for the PC enthusiast on your list, It saddens me to let you know that the classic “Twister” has now been banned since there is no possible way to play it without actually touching someone. It not only does not meet COVID-19 regulations, but it has become a target for a slew of sexual harassment lawsuits against the company.
Happy shopping!