Horton Hears The News

by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor

With Apologies To Dr. Seuss

The Word Was Around
I Heard People Shout
That All The Toilet Paper
Would Soon Be Sold Out

It Was On The News
So It Must Be True
Among Everything Else
To Make Me Feel Blue

They Said There’ll Be None
None To Be Found
Not In The Stores
Not On The Ground

People Were Told
They Would Soon Run Out
There Will Be None Left
Of That There’s No Doubt

The Virus Was Coming
Of That They Were Sure
Without Enough TP
We Would Never Endure

First One, Then Two
Then Three, Then Four
Soon All Rushed Out
To Find Some More

Some Who Thought
They Had More Than Enough
Were Now Concerned
That It Might Get Tough

Would They Have
They Hoped
Enough TP
To Make It To Two Thousand Twenty-Three?

What Else Would They Use
If They Had To Choose
A Towel, A Shirt?
A Pair Of Old Shoes?

This Was Not Good
How Could This Be?
In The Home of The Brave
And The Land Of The Free

There Must Be Some Somewhere
Somewhere For Sure
I Will Find Some Today
So I Walked Out The Door

I Drove To The Store
The One I Knew Well
But Inside The Place
Was A Real Living Hell

People Were Everywhere
Taking All They Could Fit
Not Just TP
But Every Little Last Bit

The Cans and The Bread
The Milk and The Cheese
Everyone Pushing Each Other
No “Excuse Me” Or “Please”

Then Out Of The Corner
Of My Bleary Eyes
I Saw Some TP
But It Was Only One-Ply

Two-Ply Paper
I Do Prefer
But In This Emergency
I Had To Defer

I Looked Both Ways
Then Made For The Prize
But As I Grabbed At The TP
I Saw Two Other Eyes

There Was Also A Hand
That Had Grabbed Just Like Me
To The Precious Cargo
Now What Was To Be?

I Tugged A Bit Harder
And She Did As Well
Then She Swung Her Left Hand
And Down Hard I Fell

She Gleefully Laughed
As She Ran To Check Out
I Did Not Give Chase
I Did Not Have A Pout

I Slowly Stood Up
And Walked To The Door
Past The Panicky People
Past The People At War

I Had No TP
What Would I Do?
Should I Try Somewhere Else?
Or Try To Make Do?

I Turned On The News
When I Got Into My Car
The Newsman Was Nervous
The Virus Was Not Far

We’d Survive As A People
Sternly Said He
Cause We’ll Work Together
How Else Could It Be?

I Wasn’t So Certain
But What Could I Say?
So I Drove Back Home
And Called It A Day

I Sat Down In My Chair
And Opened a Beer
I Turned On The TV
To Hear What Else I Should Fear

There’ll Soon Be No Sanitizer
That’s What They Said
So I Turned Off The TV
And Went Straight Off To Bed

Brendan is the author of “The Flatlander Chronicles” and “Best Of A F.O.O.L In New Hampshire”. His newest book “I Really Only Did It For The Socks -Stories & Thoughts On Aging” will be available this spring. Brendan has also entertained audiences around New Hampshire with his storytelling presentations. To find out more visit his website at BrendanTSmith.com