How It All Works

This year has proven to be the year of no experience when it comes to politics and, as I’ve proclaimed on these pages before, no one has less experience than me and that is why I feel uniquely qualified to finally win my bid for governor this year.
Of course, not all voters are convinced and some still believe that someone who has knowledge of the system of government, someone who can actually understand how the convoluted process of government actually works would be the best person for the job.
That is why I have decided that I need to understand a little more how our government really works before I take over that big chair in the corner of the State House. (I hear the private bathroom is magnificent as well.)
One morning I decided I would take a trip to Concord to spend a day watching how the system really works.
I filled up my car with gas, packed a light lunch and headed to our state’s capitol to engross myself with the day’s events at the legislature determined to fill my mind with the knowledge I might need if I was faced with a serious issue once I was elected governor.
When I got to Concord I saw what the first issue was I might have to deal with.
Have you ever tried to find a parking space close to the State House when the legislature is in session? Fuhgeddaboutit? The nearest spot was about a half a mile away. I didn’t come to make the trip for much needed exercise, I have a treadmill at home for such nonsense.
I turned my car around and drove back home.
Still, this didn’t deter me in the least in my pursuit of acquiring the knowledge of how our system works. After I arrived home I went back in the house, fired up my laptop and logged onto www.gencourt.state.nh.us to watch the legislative proceedings live. (Another thing I will do as governor is change that ridiculous website address. Who has the time to type in all those letters and dots? Let’s make it simpler for the people!!)
Watching the action from home is pretty easy. You can find out right from the comfort of your own home how the system really works.
How did that silly bill become law? Are they really thinking of making it illegal to do that? It isn’t quite Schoolhouse Rock but many of the characters can be just as entertaining.
I do have to give credit to our state representatives. As glorified as it might seem to the average citizen, sitting for hours in an stuffy hall listening to speaker after speaker and then trying to decide on important issues like casinos, taxes, casinos, what will be the new state condiment and casinos while collecting a hefty paycheck of two hundred dollars a year isn’t all peaches and cream. (Did I mention casinos?)
Not all representatives get to talk about a bill, but many of them do. Some make their statements quick and to the point while others bloviate for what seems like an eternity. (Maybe as governor I will create the legislative band who will start to play after a certain amount of time to let the state reps know their time is up, sort of like the Academy Awards.)
Once you make it through the speakers there is usually a vote. You might think this is the end of the whole thing, but, if you are a savvy representative that has been doing this for a long, long time, you might have figured out the Parliamentary Rules of Order (which is a bit like Calculus with words) so that if the vote didn’t go your way you can raise your hand, blab out one of these convoluted rules and try to have the vote taken again at a later date so that everyone can listen to the same speakers again as well as a few new ones.
It was at about this point that I became confused and bored and decided to watch a few cat videos on YouTube. (Did you see the one with Siamese playing the banjo? Pretty darn funny.)
I feel in that short time I got a pretty good understanding how the system works and I can make up enough gobbledygook to spew out when I talk with people who are concerned about my lack of experience.
Still, as governor I won’t have to worry much about what the legislature does, I can just veto stuff I don’t like. It’s a sweet deal.
In the meantime I’ll just go around getting my picture taken giving people awards and things and collect my paycheck.
The people who don’t want anyone with experience will be thrilled.

Brendan’s website is www.BrendanTSmith.com.