More Censeless Fun
by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor
A couple of weeks back I provided some creative ways to help you pass the time at home as you await the outcome of the mess we are in.
Looking for ways to amuse myself as well, I was looking at my last book, “The Best Of A F.O.O.L. In New Hampshire” and was intrigued by my column “Censeless Fun” which was published in 2010.
In it, I provided ways to have fun with the census taker if they should come to your house. Of course, you can avoid the census taker coming at all if you simply fill out and mail the form they sent you a few weeks ago.
But what fun is that?
I prefer to wait until they are forced to come to my house and gather the information I could have provided so easily myself. That’s the best way to really enjoy the experience.
So, with all this extra time on my dry, chapped, washed over and over hands, I have been working on some fun new ways to make the census taking experience more fun than you ever could imagine.
I hope you can use a few.
When the census taker knocks on your door, answer it wearing a bathrobe and slippers holding a glass of wine and say: “Please come in, we’ve been waiting for you.”
Tell the census taker: “I was going to fill out the form, but I was unsure whether or not I was supposed to count all the people in the basement. Would you like to see?”
When you answer the door, look at the census taker and say “Oh, not you again.”
Answer the door with a bag full of candy and say, “Great costume, let me guess…census taker?” Then hold out the bag and say: “Please just take one and leave some for the other kids.”
Answer the door in a shirt and tie, carrying a clipboard and wearing a homemade census taker badge and say: “I’ll take it from here” and shut the door.
Answer the door and say: “Could you come back in about twenty minutes? We are trying to get rid of this damn census taker.”
When the census taker asks how many people live in your house, scratch your head, think for a few seconds and say “I’ll be right back.” Go watch an episode of “The Tiger King” on Netflix, then come back to the door and say “Two.”
The census taker will ask a series of questions about each household member. Here is how to be prepared for those…
When the census taker asks; “How many people were living in your house on April 1, 2020.” Say “Two, but I’m certainly glad you didn’t ask how many were living here on March 31st or will be on April 2nd because I’m not sure I can count that high,” and then laugh nervously.
When the census taker asks if a family member is of Hispanic, Latino or Spanish origin say: “We are still waiting for the DNA swab results from Ancestry.com, but we think they may have had a Spanish ancestor from the 1300s.”
When the census taker asks about a family member’s race say: “He was always partial to the Kentucky Derby, but has become more of a NASCAR fan lately.”
When asked if a family member usually lives or stays somewhere else say “Do you mean like that apartment complex down by the river, you know, the one with the greenish roof? That one? No.”
When asked how a person is related to you say: “That’s a good question, we are still trying to figure that out.”
When the census taker is done ask; “Is it possible to do that again? I may have gotten some of the answers wrong. I was a little nervous.”
Before the census taker leaves, shake his hand (if that is allowed by then) slip him a one dollar bill and say: “I’d appreciate if you’d try and make this look good. I have a lot riding on it.”
Due to this pandemic, it may be a while till they send out the census takers, so that gives you even more time to come up with some great and fun ideas.
You can also use the many great suggestions I wrote about in the aforementioned book which you can find on my website BrendanTSmith.com (I never let a blatant advertising opportunity pass me by.)
Brendan is the author of “The Flatlander Chronicles” and “Best Of A F.O.O.L In New Hampshire”. His newest book “I Really Only Did It For The Socks -Stories & Thoughts On Aging” will be available later this year. Brendan has also entertained audiences around New Hampshire with his storytelling presentations. To find out more visit his website at BrendanTSmith.com