My 2022 Platform

by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor

Now that the primaries are over and we finally know who my opponents will be for the gubernatorial election in November, it is time to really get serious.
First, as I do every election to help those unfamiliar with the process, I would like to clarify that the gubernatorial race is not to vote for your favorite guber, but it is actually for governor.
A little known historical fact is that up until 1924 that these were known as ‘governortorial” races, but a mispronunciation by a drunken official at a fundraising event in Illinois was picked up by many news reporters in attendance. In order to offset the damage of the event, since this official was responsible for raising big dough for certain candidates across the country, the public relations people for this officials party went across the country giving interviews to other newspapers more friendly to them claiming that people had actually been pronouncing the word incorrectly all the time and the drunken official was indeed correct. Since then, we have been saying “guber” because we were told to. (I found this interesting piece of information on the Internet, so it must be true.)
I have been laying low for the past couple of months waiting to find out who my opponents will be. As the only candidate running under The Flatlander Party, I have been using this precious time to not only watch cat videos on social media, but also design my strategy; to come up with some issues and solutions to them that will resonate with voters.
So here are some of the issues I will be talking about over the next couple of months until election day. (Of course, some of these might change over that time if I find out that too many people don’t agree with them. After all, this is all about getting votes.)

IMMIGRATION – I’m all for immigration as long as it is done the right way. As a Flatlander myself from New York, I can understand the need for other Flatlanders from other states to want to live here in New Hampshire. Still, I have one word of advice to those who move here. Wait at least a year until you start complaining about anything, you’ll assimilate a lot better that way.

TERM LIMITS– There definitely should be term limits for governor and I vow to not leave office until I get this done.

INFLATION– This is extremely important, especially when you look at gas prices today. Everyone knows that proper inflation of tires on your automobile can make for better mileage and, in turn, less cost at the pump and keeping costs down at the pump will help with paying for the costs of everything else which keep going up for some reason.

ALTERNATIVE ENERGY SOURCES – I have talked about this in previous campaigns and today it means more to me that ever before. When I first ran for governor, I was in my forties and alternative energy sources weren’t so important to me. Now, in my mid-sixties, I can barely make it till noon before I feel like I need to take a nap, so any alternative source of energy that will help with this, I’m all for it.

HEALTHCARE COSTS – Let’s face it, healthcare costs in this country are out of control and I’m not convinced that we always get what we pay for. For instance, just last week I was in the waiting room at my doctor’s office and the magazines were the same from a year ago. I can’t believe that with the money we pay that these healthcare providers can’t get better deals on up-to-date subscriptions. (I won’t even get into what we have to watch on their TVs while waiting. How about a little Netflix or something?)

CORONAVIRUS – Huh? Is this still a thing? Is that why this morning I saw that guy alone in his car wearing a mask?

REDUCING CRIME – I’m all for it. Have you noticed how many less potato chips there are in a bag for the same price as a month ago? It’s criminal.

THE RIGHT TO BARE ARMS – I have no problem with this, but we shouldn’t go any further, especially with some people in the summer, if you know what I mean.

EDUCATION – I haven’t really studied enough on this issue yet. I’ll have to get back to you.

ELECTION INTEGRITY – I definitely feel that there has to be more oversight in our elections. There have been too many cases of inconsistencies at the ballot box that certainly need to be looked into. (Of course, if I win, I might change my stance on this.)

I hope this list will help you see where I stand. If I do decide to change my mind on any of these very important issues once elected, I hope you will understand that my decisions are based solely on my looking at the next election cycle and what I can do to improve my chances.

Thank you.