New Medicare Options
by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor
This year I turn sixty-five which means that I have to start thinking about my Medicare options.
As much as this makes me feel a bit old, I do feel as though I’ve accomplished something.
Small victories.
I’ve put in my time, worked hard, tried to stay out of trouble, and now I am being slightly rewarded with this Medicare thing. Certainly not the golden egg, but at least it’s something.
Then I turn on the TV and hear these politicians running for president promising folks that if they are elected there will be “Medicare For All.”
What?
Just hold on a minute.
You’re telling me that I’ve climbed up and down this ladder every day for decades and just when I’m about on my final rung you’re going to now just give everyone an escalator?
Of course, if government does end up running the whole show a visit to the doctor won’t be any worse than a trip to the DMV, waiting in a traffic jam while four guys drinking coffee watch one guy digging a hole, or being on hold for two hours waiting to talk with someone at the Internal Revenue Service.
But, I can’t really spend too much time thinking about all of that. For the next few months I must figure out how in the heck this Medicare thing, as it stands now, actually works.
You can’t just sign up and then wait to get sick to use it. It’s not that simple. You also have to make sure you have all of the “extra” coverage you might need.
So far there are four different letters you can use. There is Medicare A, B, C & D.
You get A & B just because you are now old and gave the government money every week out of your paycheck though you still have to pay premiums and deductible, so don’t get too excited.
Parts C & D will cost you even more money because these plans provide extra stuff that you didn’t know you weren’t going to get with Parts A & B until you started getting piles of letters in the mail the day after you turned 64 telling you that you only have a few months left to figure all of this out or you’ll be screwed.
Even with these four plans there are still quite a few important things that aren’t covered. With the remaining twenty-two letters of the alphabet I believe they can still cover a lot more.
Here are a few suggestions of my own.
Medicare Part E – Allows you to bring up to twenty items to the 14 item or less checkout. Sort of like a handicapped placard you have on your car that you can attach to your shopping basket. (Of course, some will abuse this and give the placard to their able bodied, younger friends to help them jump the line, but inconsiderate humans will always exist.)
Part F – Gives you access to the magazines that are less than two months old in the doctor’s waiting room.
Part G – This is a supplement to Part F which costs a little extra. Not only do you get the newest magazines, but you also have access to ones that actually interest you. No more embarrassing moments for us men over 65 having to pretend to be browsing through an old copy of Good Housekeeping, while catching glances from over the pages at others waiting, trying to guess what is wrong with them. Now you can do this while holding the newest copy of Sports Illustrated or Car and Driver. (Vice Versa for you older women.)
Part H – Another waiting room option. This allows you to call a vote among others also waiting to see if everyone really wants to keep watching “Kelly and Ryan” or “The View” while sitting there pretending they are reading their year-old magazines. It won’t always work, but at least you’ll be able to get it out of your system.
Part I – This would pay for the extra time it would take the hospital technician to heat up the gel before an ultrasound, echocardiogram or other tests. The technician will also be required to say. “I am going to put some gel on you now and it should feel delightfully warm” which is worth the extra charge in itself.
Part J – This is a plan for hospital stays. It gives you access to more food options and late night snacks till midnight. The kitchen might be closed at 10pm with those with the other plans, but with Medicare Part J, you can party like it’s 11:59.
Part K – As you share war stories of your surgeries with others, having this plan will allow you to contact your doctor with a conference phone call so he can confirm the details of your procedure to help you win the argument of who had what worse than the other. (It is advised that you are aware if the person you are arguing with has the same plan before you open your mouth.)
Part L – Let’s you skip the meeting with the pharmacist when you pick up a new prescription. Let’s face it, who remembers what they say anyway?
There are still fourteen letters to go and I’m sure plenty more important medical benefits to consider.
For now, I’ll just try to maneuver the ones we have.
You can contact Brendan at brendan@weirs.com. Visit his website at BrendanTSmith.com
