Of Legal Age

by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor

I am now officially sixty-five, the legal age to be crotchety and cranky if I choose without having to face repercussions.
But there has been talk that the legal age may soon be moved up.
There are many who are outraged about this.
But I am not one of them.
I have a great responsibility as a world-renowned columnist to teach those who come after me, the still young at heart who are about to reach the age of legal crankiness, that there is so much more to sixty-five and beyond than complaining to the clerk at the deli counter because he cut your precious bologna too thick.
The legal right to be miserable once we turn sixty-five is a law that was written many decades ago when our life spans were so much shorter.
The original law, written in 1921, gave people the legal right to start being crotchety and cranky at the age of sixty. The life expectancy for the average male at the time was only fifty-nine, so reaching sixty was a milestone and not many made it. Especially those that were average.
Congress, in its wisdom (an oxymoron) and on a day when they didn’t have any spending bills or restrictive laws to pass, decided it was time to give a little something back to the people.
Of course, most of those in office at the time were pretty old, and they thought that any good law that was passed should benefit them as well should they be voted out in the next election.
The Law, known as “The Right To Be Crotchety and Cranky ” was easily passed and signed into law by President Warren G. Harding.
Harding, who was only fifty-five at the time, realized how it could benefit him once out of office. He would be allowed to complain about anything without repercussions. (Unfortunately, Harding died unexpectedly in 1923 at the age of fifty-eight and never got the chance to be legally cranky or crotchety.)
The law, as written, didn’t change until 1960, when the life expectancy for the average male in the United States reached sixty-nine years of age.
Raising the legal age for being crotchety to sixty-five was the last bill Eisenhower signed into law.
Some say Ike was against the bill. He was of the mind that no one really had the legal right to be crotchety or cranky ever. He wanted the law eliminated entirely. But he was only going to be in office for another month, so he said, “What The Heck” and signed it.
The age for being legally crotchety and cranky has not gone up in sixty years, but there is talk of it being raised to seventy and that has some people alarmed.
AARP, which is a very powerful lobby representing older folks, has been working behind the scenes to make sure that the legal age to be crotchety and cranky stays at sixty-five. They realize it could affect their membership base and monthly fees.
A lot of folks approaching sixty-five have been speaking out.
Over the years many in their early sixties have held their tongue when they were served cream in their coffee instead of milk; when the mailman puts the wrong letter in their mailbox and one of those darn kids comes to close to them on the sidewalk on their skateboard, to name only a few legal crankiable offenses.
They have built up their frustrations, knowing that in only a matter of a few years they can legally let loose with all the crotchetiness they want. (Yes, there are some, under the age of sixty-five who have let their crankiness show early, but they must live with that guilt for the rest of their lives.)
Now with whispers of raising the legal age for being crotchety and cranky, they are not at all happy. After all, they already have had to deal with the Full Retirement Age goalpost for Social Security being pushed ahead. How much more are they supposed to take?
I am here to defend the possible age change making crankiness and crotchetiness legal. In fact, like Ike, I feel it needs to be outlawed completely.
I can already hear it: “How dare you. Now that you’ve reached sixty-five you can be as crotchety and cranky as you want. Even if they change the law, your right to be a crotchety complainer about anything at all with be grandfathered in.”
This is true, but I am not one to just be crotchety and cranky just because I can.
I feel being allowed to be legally crotchety and cranky just because one has reached a certain age is a right that we all take unfair advantage of. Those of us of legal age wield it like a sword.
When we rail at the young grocery bagger who has given us paper instead of plastic when we were unclear we wanted plastic, he has no recourse but to submit to our legal right to chastise him, even though we were in the wrong.
The examples are many.
It is time for our generation to leave its mark and do our best to eliminate crotchetiness and crankiness forever.
Or at least raise the legal age to eighty.