Out Of Ideas

by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor

This Coronavirus thing has been going on a lot longer than I expected
I thought, what, maybe a month, two if things were really stretched out?
But now we are into the third month and I am starting to get nervous.
I mean how long can I keep coming up with ideas for columns about this thing?
I’ve done the handshaking, the toilet paper, the social distancing, the handwashing, the whole Flatlander angle and I’ve even used my running for governor routine with the Coronavirus as the theme.
This morning I sit here, fresh out of ideas and it doesn’t seem like this thing is going away for awhile.
Sure, I could easily just write about a different topic, but no one would be interested in that at all. Everyone just wants to talk about the virus. How many new cases? Is someone working on a cure? Are masks effective or do they do nothing? Should we throw more money at this thing or have we spent way too much already?
We have people who aren’t too worried about it and go about their lives while others stay locked in their homes with masks on and their shades drawn too scared to step outside.
The biggest issue is about whether or not all businesses should be allowed to reopen. Some say we need businesses to open now before they won’t be able to ever open again. Others say (mostly the ones at home with the shades drawn) that if we open them too soon we will all pay the price.
These are the arguments we hear every day on the news and the ones that we scream about at each other on social media as if they might actually change the mind of those with views opposing ours. (In case you are wondering, they won’t.)
Still, with all these arguments, not one time have I ever heard anyone talking about how much of a toll this virus has taken on humor columnists like myself.
Maybe I am being selfish, but I’m talking about my livelihood.
I can’t simply shut down, put on my mask, stay six-feet away from others, go inside and wash my hands till they crack and peel, and then do nothing. I have a responsibility to sit at this keyboard each week and come up with new humorous ideas about the virus to give people at least some small things to laugh at.
It’s a lot easier for those more serious columnists, they have plenty of material to choose from. There’s a left side and a right side to this just like there is to any issue. All they have to do is write about any of the many subcategories of the virus, either defending what’s been done or criticizing what the other side did or didn’t do. This provides them with years of material if the need it.
Humor columnists like myself, have a much harder job. We can’t just simply depend on the facts and figures that best suit our agenda, we have to have much more integrity than that.
We have to make stuff up.
Those of you not in the biz probably think this would be easy. I am here to tell you it is not as it seems.
A serious columnist can write about the same subject over and over again when it comes to the virus, but a humorist only gets one shot.
Take for example testing, which everyone talks about, but no one really understands. A serious columnist can write one week about lack of testing and then the next week about inefficient testing and then again about new testing procedures. The humor columnist, on the other hand, can write a funny column about testing one week and he’s done.
If he writes about it the next week the readers will say,“He wrote about testing last week. He must be running out of ideas.”
So, you see my dilemma.
I have already used up all of the good ideas about the virus and I’m left with nothing this week except a whole bunch of other great column ideas that no one will want to read about since it isn’t about whatever this thing is.
I have a really good one about the murder hornets, but why waste it? I came up with what I thought would make a really funny yet poignant column about the spiritual implications on the expansion of the universe, but everyone’s too busy yelling back and forth at each other on social media or hiding behind their curtains to pay attention.
So, I am sorry to say, I have nothing this week. If you were expecting another witty column from me about the virus, you are out of luck.
I am hoping for some new developments over the next week to poke fun at, but not holding my breath.
It’s hard to do with a mask on anyway.
See you next week.

Brendan is the author of “The Flatlander Chronicles” and “Best Of A F.O.O.L In New Hampshire”. His newest book “I Really Only Did It For The Socks -Stories & Thoughts On Aging” will be available later this year. Brendan has also entertained audiences around New Hampshire with his storytelling presentations. To find out more visit his website at BrendanTSmith.com