Safe To Read
by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor
I was amazed to find out that some long-time readers have not read my column since this whole pandemic thingamajig started.
One woman (who also gave me permission to identify her as a woman) explained to me, when I accidentally ran into her at a local grocery store, that she had heard that I might not be taking the proper precautions before writing each column, so she wasn’t sure if it was safe to read them.
It took me awhile to understand what she was saying as she kept ten feet away from me and was wearing a N95 mask and a face shield, but eventually the message got through.
At first I thought that she was just an anomaly (no I did not ask her permission to call her an anomaly, just taking a chance here). I soon found out that it was more widespread than I had imagined.
I was amazed to find out that there are government guidelines that newspaper columnists are supposed to follow in order to do their part to help keep the spread of the virus low.
Who would have thought?
It seems there is an 8-page, set of guidelines put out by the state that myself as well as all other columnists need to be aware of.
Seems it is all part of the recently formed government agency called N.O.N.S.E.N.S.E. which stands for “New Orders for Newspapers So Everything Now Scares Everybody”. I had never heard of NONSENSE before.
So, being a good citizen I called the New Hampshire NONSENSE phone number and explained to the woman that answered (I just guessed on the woman thing here, I’ll take my chances) that I am a weekly columnist and I had no idea about NONSENSE and the NONSENSE guidelines.
She explained that NONSENSE was put into operation about two months before since it was discovered that there is a one in ten million chance that Covid-19 might possibly be spread by newspaper columns. She did explain that no one really knows how, but until it can be completely disproven, we would all have to deal with NONSENSE for now.
She explained that she would email me the guidelines for columnists and that I could also expect a visit from a NONSENSE agent who would randomly stop by to see if I am following all the NONSENSE guidelines. If I wasn’t, my column could be suspended for two weeks and I might be subjected to a NONSENSE fine.
I wasn’t about to argue. Being a man (I’m sure of this) who is over sixty with a couple of underlying health conditions, I take my precautions in trying to avoid getting the virus. Still, this seemed a bit extreme, but I’d play along. When your dealing with the government, you don’t have much choice.
Even though the NONSENSE guidelines are 8 pages long, only two pages explained what I needed to do when writing a column to keep readers safe. The other six pages were just a lot of nonsense about NONSENSE.
First off, I have to wear a mask if I can’t keep six feet away from my laptop while writing a column. I need to sanitize the entire keyboard after every paragraph. I have to keep adjectives down to a minimum since there is a possibility they are super spreaders. Semicolons also may be dangerous, though the science is still out on that. Of course, sharing a column with other writers for editing purposes is strictly prohibited as one could not be sure who was properly following the guidelines.
I showed the NONSENSE guidelines to a friend of mine who refuses to believe anything about the virus. He thought they were nonsense.
“I’m not worried about catching Covid-19 when I read yours or anyone else’s column,” he said. “In fact, after I read it I put it on my face and take deep breaths. I ain’t scared.”
I have some strange friends.
I have not contacted other columnists that I know to ask them if they are following the NONSENSE guidelines (mainly because I don’t know any).
So, this morning I took the first steps in order to be a good columnist and follow the NONSENSE guidelines. I’ve washed my hands numerous times, put on my mask and sanitized the keyboard. I am also using a special six-foot long typing stick I created so I don’t get too close to my laptop. (I am also presently in negotiations to have these sticks mass produced for use by columnists worldwide.)
I have even had a visit from a state inspector who determined, after watching me write this column, that I was safely following all of the NONSENSE rules.
So, if you were reluctant to read this column, let me assure you that it is now safe. Feel at ease to turn to this page and start reading again.
Enjoy…if you can.
