Scratch That Itch
by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor
Over the years I have taken time from my usual column to unselfishly help the New Hampshire Public Education system by coming up with new ideas for scratch tickets for the state lottery to sell.
Back in the late 1990s when I first started, the ideas were pretty simple, but yet still big winners. My “Frost Heaves & Pot Holes” scratch ticket idea is still on display at the Lottery’s Hall of Fame Museum. Something I am very proud of.
Now, twenty some odd years later, I am still being asked to come up with new ideas to get folks to part with their money to help kids learn how to make a living without gambling. But with competition from Keno, online lottery games and, now, sports betting, the lure of the ancient scratch ticket is not the same.
Still there is a viable market in those folks who aren’t really big on learning new fangled technology in order to lose their money. They are purists when it comes to gambling and scratch tickets are still their go to game.
Of course, I am talking about those folks over sixty.
Okay, okay, I know I just offended a few of you. You are pretty darned proud of your skills in figuring out technology and you can dump a few hundred bucks online playing the lottery as fast as any young whippersnapper. But, let’s face it, you still pine for the peaceful tranquility of buying your scratch ticket at the convenience store, sitting quietly in your car, listening to the solid rhythm of the coin as it eliminates the ticket dust and then, once your ticket is scratched, cursing silently.
So, here are some scratch ticket ideas for all of you. Helping you to scratch that itch.
You can thank me later.
“Easy” Money – This new ticket has a two-fold purpose. First, of course, the chance to scratch off three of something and then win some money. The second lure is that the substance that covers the symbols on the scratch tickets is made from a lighter, more fluid substance that comes off a lot easier when scratched. For those of you suffering from arthritis in the hands and fingers, this ticket will be a godsend.
Social Security Shenanigans – With this ticket chances are you will never get back as much as you invested in playing it, but you will keep on playing it anyway with the promise of small payouts along the line. But be careful about winning too much of what you put into it as it may be subject to taxes.
The Blood Pressure Ticket – Scratch three 120/80s and you win a prize. Scratch three or more 200/60s and you will be asked to sit quietly in a chair and take a few deep breaths before you are allowed to play again.
Prostate Party – This ticket is designed specifically for older men. Scratch three enlarged prostates (make sure they are enlarged) and you win nothing. But if you hold onto the ticket it will get you to the front line if there happens to be a line at the convenience store rest room next time you are there.
Boomer Or Bust – Scratch three or more of an image related to the 1960s (Hippies, Peace Sign, etc.) and win a thousand dollars. (Unfortunately, it will be in 1965 dollars, so really only about $150).
Can You Hear Me Now? – If you scratch three hearing aids you win. Bring it to the cashier at the convenience store and they will be required, by law, to run the ticket through the scanner and, if you win, announce loudly “YOU’VE WON TWO DOLLARS. WOULD YOU LIKE ANOTHER TICKET OR TAKE THE CASH!?” Saving you the embarrassment of asking “What?”
Every once in a while the Lottery Commission should issue a classic scratch ticket from back in its early days. Called the “Nostalgia Tickets” it would catch the attention of an older player who will be taken back to the days when, as a young man, he purchased his first lottery ticket and that initial feeling of losing money that fast.
A Scratch Alert Device would be made available by the Lottery Commission to those older folks who don’t have the energy to get back to the store with their winning scratch tickets. If you win simply press the button and say “Help. I’ve scratched a ticket and I think I’ve won something” and a lottery official will contact you to help you and send a representative to come and pay you your winnings right at your house.
There will also be a variety of scratch tickets which will be available for a senior discount if played on Wednesdays before 5pm. The lines should be long for this one, so it is suggested that you show up to your local convenience store early for these.
I’m sure I could come up with a few more ideas for these scratch tickets for older folks, but it is getting close to 9pm and it’s time to hit the hay.
Brendan is the author of “The Flatlander Chronicles” and “Best Of A F.O.O.L In New Hampshire”. His newest book “I Really Only Did It For The Socks & Other Tales Of Aging” will be available this spring. Brendan has also entertained audiences around New Hampshire with his storytelling presentations. To find out more visit his website at BrendanTSmith.com