Straight Talk

by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor

I have to admit I was quite surprised when a reporter for a popular New Hampshire magazine asked for an interview about my candidacy for governor. I can’t tell you which magazine since I don’t have permission to use this excerpt, but if you can figure out which magazine then you can find the entire interview on their website.

Q: Candidate Smith, I would like to thank you for taking the time to sit down with me today for this interview.
A: You are welcome Jim, though I can’t imagine doing this standing up, that would be difficult.

Q: Umm..my name is Bill.
A: Sorry.

Q: You have been campaigning for governor for the past twenty years or so. Do you think that this might be your last attempt?
A: Wow, that is a hard question. Do you have an easier one?

Q: No, they just get harder from here.
A: I am glad we are sitting down then.

Q: So, do you think you would run again?
A: Let’s try a different question and come back to that one after I’ve warmed up a bit.

Q: Okay, how would you, as governor, handle another pandemic.
A: You were right, the questions do get tougher, can we go back to the first one?

Q: Too late.
A: Well, I’d probably close things down unless I thought it better they stay open and I would make it mandatory that everyone wear masks unless I thought it a better idea to let people decide it they want to wear them or not.

Q: That’s a pretty vague answer.
A: Is it?

Q: Okay, what would be the first thing you would do as governor?
A: I get asked that a lot, so I am prepared for that one. I understand the inauguration ceremony is rather long and being a guy over sixty, I’m sure I’ll need to use the governor’s washroom first thing after it’s over. I’m looking forward to it though. I understand it is quite magnificent.

Q: Do you believe that there is a widening divide based on race in this country?
A: Yes

Q: What do you think is the solution.
A: That’s easy. We need to better educate people.

Q: In what way?
A: Well, people who like horse racing don’t know much about NASCAR and vice versa. We need to change that. I for one don’t understand NASCAR, but I’m willing to try and learn more so I’m not part of the problem.

Q: That wasn’t what I meant when I said race.
A: Sorry, I misunderstood. What’s your next question?

Q: You said in your campaign that you are planning on lowering taxes.
A: That’s right Jim, I’m going to go right to work on lowering taxes.

Q: It’s Bill
A: Sorry again.

Q: So, how will you lower taxes?
A: Umm…I think I said something about that when I was campaigning, but I don’t have my notes with me, so whatever it was I said, then I would do that.

Q: Do you think it will be that easy?
A: Who knows?

Q: Are you worried about how voting by mail might affect the election?
A: Not at all, men seem to like me, it’s the female vote I worry about most.

Q: Not males…mail.
A: Well, I’m sure that more than one guy will vote for me, I hope.

Q: What is the one thing you are most looking forward to as governor?
A: Well, first the pay…I mean it’s a considerable amount more than I make now and that would be nice, so I’d be able to get some things done around the house with the extra money. I am also looking forward to the nice desk and chair the governor uses. The desk I have now is kind of small and the chair squeaks a bit. I also look forward to serving the people of New Hampshire.

Q: Do you really think you can win this election?
A: Well, Henry, I’m sure, based on the facts I’ve mentioned here, that the people of New Hampshire will go to the voting booth and do the right thing.

Q: IT’S BILL! …and I’m not sure what facts you are talking about. During the course of this entire interview you haven’t provided me with one significant plan or solution to help solve any of New Hampshire’s problems. In fact, some of your answers have been completely ridiculous.
A: And this is different from the other candidates how exactly?

Q: Well, thank you for your time candidate Smith.
A: You are quite welcome, Fred.