Whaddya Call It?

by Brendan Smith
Weirs Times Editor

Every day it gets harder and harder.
When I leave the house, I have to be careful and do my part to make sure I am not inflicting any damage on anyone else with this crazy virus that is going around.
It was only a few months ago that one could go about their business and not even think twice about what the day would bring. We carried on like we did every day, not thinking that suddenly everything would change and we would have to totally readjust our lifestyles.
Today we need to be very cognizant about everything, it is a new and dangerous world.
And on top of that, there’s also Covid-19 to deal with.
Of course, the crazy virus that I am talking about is this new world of out of control political correctness.
Sure this virus has been around for a while, but it was in a much smaller form, more like the common cold with the occasional sneeze in public which would get you a dirty look for a second but would soon pass. Today a politically incorrect “sneeze” will bring the masses upon you who want nothing less than your life and reputation.
Statues are being torn down, businesses are changing the names of products or eliminating them all together and people are publicly apologizing for something they might have said or done decades ago. People are even losing their jobs because someone they knew said something once.
It is hard to keep up.
If you disagree with anything about this new virus, you can be sure that the Hammer of Thor will come down upon your head. (As this issue goes to press, the Hammer of Thor has not yet been found to be politically incorrect or culturally insensitive, if that has changed by the time this is printed, I apologize now, just in case.)
Much more than the common cold, it is a virus of epidemic proportions that is spreading faster than Covid-19 ever will and there will never be a cure, mainly because no one wants there to be one. The perfect conditions exist in America today to keep this virus alive and deadly for years to come.
With the insanity of the Covid-19 virus continuing to intensify (at least until Election Day) people who are obsessed with changing every aspect of our culture who are trapped in their homes during the day waiting for that night’s riot…uh…protest are looking for things to be upset about.
With the tens of thousands of names and products and alike, a once boring afternoon can now be put to good use coming up with reasons why something needs to be called something different or be eliminated altogether.
Of course, nutty people have been doing this for years, but for the first time, all ideas, no matter how ridiculous, are being considered.
I had an idea on how to capitalize to make a few bucks off of the folks who are bored during the day while waiting for the sun to go down so they can take to the streets with their latest indignation.
A new board game called “Whaddya Call It?” would take players on a journey of cancel culture as well as learning about our history (or at least the latest version of it.)
There would be different versions of “Whaddya Call It?” A sports version, a consumer products version, a city, states and towns names version and a special version about what a famous person may have done or said once years ago.
Players roll the dice and move their androgynous piece around the board.
In the sports version, for example, a player may land on “New York Mets” and read from the card: “Mets is short for Metropolitans, which was also a group of wealthy businessmen who once ruled New York City in the late 19th and early 20th century, so they must have oppressed someone at some point even though we’re not sure who. What new inoffensive name can now be used for this team to right those probable wrongs from so long ago?”
Players have thirty seconds to either defend the name or come up with a new one. (If the defense of the name offends more than one other player, the defender must squat in the corner, facing the wall, for two minutes.)
If the player chooses a new name, then the group discusses its merits or if it possibly may be offensive itself. Names that are accepted are then entered online to the “Whaddya Call It?” website for further consideration by a team of experts who majored in “Things That Were Once Not Bad But Now Are Very Much So.”
The one who comes up with the most acceptable names wins and gets to wear the colorful “Whaddya Call It? Social Justice Warrior Badge” for the remainder of the day. (It also works as a great conversation starter later in the day at the local riot…uh… protest. Of course, it is highly flammable, so it is suggested the wearer keep away from accelerants.)
Of course, updated versions of “Whaddya Call It?” will be released every month as new indignations are found.
Glad to help.

Brendan is the author of “The Flatlander Chronicles” and “Best Of A F.O.O.L. In New Hampshire” available at BrendanTSmith.com. His latest book “I Only Did It For The Socks – Stories and Thoughts On Aging” will be published later this year.